Fat Theology

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

Signs You Are Chronically Ill

By Nan Jay

•   When you pack for a vacation, you pack as if you will be going to some remote island with no medications, pain killers, or toiletries.

•    You are thinking of getting a tattoo in the place they usually draw your blood so they don’t have to poke you repeatedly.

•     Your ninety year old grandfather has more stamina than you do at thirty four.

•   Your OB/GYN or gastroenterologist has seen more of your crotch or backside than your spouse.

•   You are now using your 24 hour urine collection bottles as flower vases.

•   Your four year old daughter goes to pee in a cup and says she wants to be grown up and pee like mommy always does it.

•   You can’t remember the last time you had sex with your spouse or the last time you wanted to have sex with your spouse

•   Your idea of “living on the edge” is going to a store with no public bathroom

•    If they ever invented a body transplant, your name would be first on the list

•   Your medical file is the thickest on the shelf and is now ripping

•   You have a hospital band in every color of the rainbow